History Repeats Itself

History repeats itself unless we learn from it and do things differently next time. And if that's not ringing any bells, think about the old cliche, "Insanity means doing the same thing and expecting a different result." 

I was thinking about this as I drove around the incredibly busy streets of San Francisco. Every time I almost hit someone, I'd notice there was a big dent in their car just where I would have hit them. I started thinking about the typical response when something challenging happens in our lives...."Why does this keep happening to me?" But people rarely dig deeply enough to find out the answer. My advice is dig a little deeper. Why does it keep happening to you? What are you doing that brings about this result?  Focus on your behavior rather than everyone else's. And then figure out what you can do differently to avoid the unwanted responses and obtain more desirable results.

Yes, the other car hit you from behind, but what were you doing at that moment, or just before? What circumstances brought it on? And what part were you playing in the situation? When my kids come running to me with complaints about what their sibling did, my first question is often, "Well, what happened just before?" Because that's where the power lies.That 's something we can control. And understanding the interplay between our actions and the resulting consequences is how we stop history from repeating itself.

Ashley Madison

The web site Ashley Madison's tag line is: "Life is short. Have an affair.We're the premier website for discreet connections." Last week, millions of names and personal information were leaked online following a cyber hack into the website.The hackers released 35 million user records. 5 million of those names were women (although it appears many of the those names were made up.) Hackers published over 10 gigabytes of data from the site, including names, physical and sexual preferences, private messages and photos. .

35 million is a lot of people looking to have an affair. Not just a hookup, but an affair. Which got me thinking. What are so many people really looking for, and what are they so lacking in their current marital relationships? I read a quote from one outed user who said,  "You don't need to pay $300 on line trying to have sex. There are quicker ways."  So, what is the actual allure?

The incredibly successful advertising may offer a clue. "Life is short..." The idiom, "Life is short and time is swift" means (Farflex online dictionary) you should enjoy life as much as possible because it doesn't last very long. So, go for it. Do what you want to do. Eat that chocolate cake. The ad shows a pretty, young woman with well manicured nails, bare neck and shoulders, finger to her lips in a hush gesture wearing a wedding ring. This is not the typical user, so this image must be the archetype of what is sought. 

On the site, you can specify the type of relationship you are looking for. Examples ranged from: "Whatever excites me" to "cyber affair." Prominent Twitter advertising hashtags were: #cheat #cheaters #cheating #monogamy #married #mom #children #adultery #infidelity #sex #porn. The marketing approach seems to consistently hit on the idea of cheating, giving yourself something that you are being denied and are missing out on that you deserve. 

The Chief Executive of Avid Life Media suggests adultery is correlated with professional success. (Washington D.C. has topped the list of most users for the last three years.) That those who have reached professional success have done so by taking personal risks and so are more willing to do so in their personal lives. Also, that professional success grants opportunity to have an affair. This stance implies that the only two things stopping the rest of the nation from having an affair is aversion to risk and lack of opportunity. What does that say about the state of marriage?

Some advice I read on what to do if your name is found on "the list" was to fess up and explain why you had participated. Was it just a joke? Or maybe you were single at the time. I'd suggest one dig a little deeper. What is it you are really looking for? What is it that you have been denying yourself for so long? What parts of yourself and your desires having you been sacrificing in the name of your marriage? What is lacking and what do you need to feel fulfilled? And what can you do to go about getting it in an honest, upfront and respectful way? 

The Written Word

One of the most essential elements of communication is that the message sent is the message received. Yes, you get points for trying, but not that many. If what you are attempting to communicate isn't accurately "heard" you haven't been properly understood and that's a "fail." Miscommunication leads to feelings of frustration, anger and dissonance. It also sets you up for future conflict as your unintended communication has set false expectations for future interactions. 

There is currently lots of research, commentary and opinion on the affects of social media on our ability to successfully communicate. There are great articles, books and podcasts on the topic. The question is whether all of our texting, tweeting and emailing is helping or hindering our attempts to connect and communicate. My guess is it's a mixed bag. What I do know is that with all these choices out there  it means we need to be more conscious about the mode we choose to utilize.

Think of your options as tools, and select the best tool for the job. Writing gives you the benefits of time and control. You can take your time, construct, edit and rewrite. But you loose tone and repartee which can be critical to understanding. So, if you choose the written word, pay close attention to the response you get and look for signs of misunderstanding before forging on. Don't let an initial mixup dictate the course of your exchange.

Personally, I like to talk on the phone. I like the privacy and I've got a lot to say. I enjoy the real time information exchange. I want immediate feedback to what I'm saying so that I can adjust, tune and clarify my response. I'm usually looking for the most authentic, accurate and efficient information exchange method possible. I also appreciate the benefits of hearing voice, tone, and the silent pause. These subtleties of reaction provide me with the best feedback on how my message is being received. But it's not for everyone or every moment. 

Think about your message, your objective, your personal preferences and competencies. Consider your audience. Assess the complexity of your communication. Is it a pure information exchange? Is this an area of high emotion? Are there high stakes involved or is it no big deal? Some times a picture is worth a thousand words and sometimes a word is all you need. So, optimize your communication by choosing the best mode possible and be diligent. Assure the intended message sent was the message received. Communicate, assess, clarify.

Telling Other People What to Do...

Think of this blog post as part II of "Don't Tell Me What to Do." When my husband read my post the other day, he was incredulous. He laughed in a snickering sort of manner and had to turn away. I think he found it just a bit too ironic, since the only words he could utter,  multiple times, were, " You, don't like people telling you what to do?" in a sort of "huh" kind of way. 

In my husband's world view and experience I tell him what to do frequently. My response from my world view and experience is, "you've got to be kidding!" His primary example is me telling him to empty the dishwasher or do the dishes. Now, I don't think I've ever said, "Empty the friggin (my son's new favorite word) dishwasher." Or, "Do the dishes right now." But, that is clearly what he hears.

So, we talked about it. His impression is that I tell him what to do in an indignant manner when I feel I've done more than my share and he hasn't been helping enough.. And, he is right. I feel pretty righteous once I've gotten to the point of being resentful. In that circumstance, internally, I'm thinking he should damn well do the friggin dishes, and I shouldn't have to ask, because no one has asked me to the the hundred things I did today for everyone else. Houston we have a problem...

By the time we've gotten to that point, I am absolutely convinced and feeling justified that he SHOULD. I'm not proud of this, but I'm not ashamed either. Because I understand the dynamics underlying it. And it is extremely typical in longterm living situations with roommates or families when people aren't speaking up and making explicit agreements around daily responsibilities. So, let's take a look at why it evolves and how to fix it. 

When there is a lack of clear agreements and a failure to make explicit agreements and manage expectations, problems arise. Especially when there isn't high frequency, low magnitude communication going on around the issue. Also, when people have fallen into roles and responsibilities due to circumstance, taking things on as a result of necessity and cultural norms and pressures, rather than active conscious choice, discontent and resentment can begin to build. Often there is habitual lack of speaking up. People aren't having purposeful conversations and making clear requests. This is done in an attempt to avoid conflict, but it only results in creating bigger conflicts.

Things to think about: Is your household (or business, the same dynamics apply in a business environment) a democracy or dictatorship?  What rights and responsibilities do each of the inhabitants possess? Who owns what daily operating functions and what are the standards that need to be met? Are there explicit, mutually agreed upon understandings around those standards and expectations? Remember that all individuals have different standards, sensibilities and priorities. What one person thinks is an essential element of happy co-existing (ie. finishing the dishes before going to bed) another person may not really care about or even notice. 

So, make a plan, call a group meeting, and run an experiment in a problem area. Begin with identifying the trouble zone, deconstruct the relevant elements and assume and assign responsibility of daily operating duties, reconstruct and re-evaluate as time proceeds. Keep in mind, it's an evolving process. Upon announcing my intention for the day to call a family meeting to discuss daily responsibilities, my daughter comically announced she had other plans. It takes time, and it takes practice to get along, so be patient with yourself and others. Communicate, assess and resolve.

Don't Tell Me What To Do!

Most people don't like to be told what to do; it robs them of their personal power. Some people like it because they don't have to take responsibility for making choices or their actions  (I'd vehemently argue they are still 100% responsible for their actions, but that's another blog post. ) Anyway, for many of us being told what to do is a "Hot Spot." For me, it's nuclear. I have to restrain myself at four way stops when people next to me graciously waive me on. Seriously, every cell in my body wants to scream and use hand gestures, "I'll go when I'm dang well ready! Don't tell me what to do!!!" And, I'm even more volatile when people tell me I can't do something. Nothing gets me to do it faster. My mind starts to race, "Well, we'll see about that." "Oh yes I can! Who says I can't do that, you and who's army?" " You aren't the boss of me!" 

My point here is twofold. One, we need to recognize and own (take responsibility for) our hotspots. Two, we need to be conscious in our communication and intention to share power so as to avoid the unintended reactions and consequences of telling someone what to do. 

Practice getting to know your hot spots, and in longterm relationships begin to recognize and respect others' hot spots as well. When a hot spot gets tapped, it's like a trigger that sets off a chain reaction of internal events. We then begin to react to our internal experience rather than acting in response to what is going on externally. So, take a moment when sparks start to fly and stop, look and listen before taking any action. Situations involving threatened personal power can soon become power struggles when we are engaged with others. So, remain calm, investigate what's triggering your internal experience. Use your manners and your I messages. Then, make requests instead of demands. 

One of my favorite parenting books is, "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles." by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Whether you have kids or not, the underlying dynamics of power struggles are the same. And the author does a fantastic job of explaining these dynamics and how to deal with them effectively. For instance, if you tell a toddler not to kick the dresser, or their brother, tell them something they can kick - maybe it's o.k. to kick the bed. This gives them a suitable outlet for their energetic expression and allows them to retain some personal power in the situation. If you tell a child they have to do something give them some choices within that directive. Maybe they can choose the timing or the way it's done. The key is to share the power in the situation and allow the other person to maintain their personal power. This avoids a power struggle erupting and strengthens the relationship. There is always enough power to go around in every situation, so don't let your interactions become fights over who owns it, controls it or exerts it. Think collaboration rather than competition. Everyone wins when each individual maintains their personal power and acts from it.

"I Agree" or do I?....

The ability to make and manage agreements is a cornerstone of satisfying relationships. And dealing with agreements is a ripe breeding ground for conflicts to arise. It can be dang hard to get to an agreement and sometimes even harder to get people to honor what they agreed to.

What makes it such a challenging area? Well, People often agree to things for all sorts of reasons other than authentically agreeing. Sometimes we are just tired of having the conversation, so we acquiesce. Or maybe we think we should agree, a person better than ourselves, or the person we want to be would agree. Maybe we feel like there isn't another choice; we don't like this arrangement, but it's the best thing going, so we might as well agree. Maybe we have been coerced, shamed, convinced or bullied into agreeing. Maybe it sounded good at the time, or maybe it was good at the time, but times a be a changing, and it doesn't sound so good any more. Maybe we don't like to rock the boat and we just want to be easy going and get along, or maybe we didn't really understand what we were agreeing to in the first place. Maybe we truly want to abide by our agreement but somehow we just don't have what is required of us to do so. 

There are endless reasons we might make an agreement we can't, or choose not to, keep. I even make agreements with myself I can't keep. "No more potato chips" - they make me feel sick, but minutes later, munch, munch, munch. "No rubbing my eyes in allergy season" - it only makes them worse, seconds later ahhhh, rub, rub, rub. Sometimes our intentions are pure and it's the follow through that gets us, and sometimes we agree to things we have absolutely no intention of abiding by.  And most often it's somewhere in between. There may have been a misunderstanding as to the terms of the agreement. There may have been a miscommunication as to each party's intentions. There may have been a misrepresentation, intentional or not. 

So, if making and managing agreements is so important, and people often agree to things and then don't stick by their commitments, what do we do? First of all, make sure there actually was a mutual agreement. And if there was an actual agreement, find out exactly what each person thought they were agreeing to. When making agreements: select a comfortable time and place to have a collaborative conversation; negotiate; pay attention to each other's interests and listen with all your senses; think about your history together, and be specific in what you agree to. When mananging your agreements: check in from time to time and see how things are going; investigate what transpired when an agreement gets broken - find out what got in the way of it being kept; share the power; be open to hearing alternate points of view. And,  don't think the conversation ends here. The situation may just be settled for the time being. Make short time lines. Remember to check in and see how things are going. Revisit and renegotiate. 

We Are Different, and That's a Good Thing

I got a note from a friend the other day saying she was in the mountains acclimating for a 100 mile race. My first response was, "Wow." My second was, "Did she really mean 100 miles?" and my third was, "I think it would take me another lifetime to acclimate for a 100 mile race." We are all different. And that's what makes life interesting, wonderful and tolerable. If everyone wanted to be bakers and spend  their time baking baguettes, think about what life would be like for all of the folks who are gluten free. 

If you need evidence of the broad range of attitudes, aptitudes and appetites with which we approach the world, cruise around an art fair and notice the diversity of what people produce; drive around the Target parking lot and pay attention to the variety of colors and styles of cars; take a spin around the radio or T.V. channels and be astounded, or simply notice how differently people choose to spend their Saturday or Sunday afternoon - some sleep all day and only rise to eat, others spend the day happily reading a book, while there are those who are up at dawn and busy until they go to bed. Some would choose a day at the symphony, others a day at a Nascar race.

Appreciating differences is one thing, confronting these same differences in our personal relationships is another. It can be very threatening. We tend to want people we are in relationship with to want what we want, like what we like and behave the way we do. We want who we are and the choices we make to be validated. And we don't want the opportunity of getting what we want to be put at risk by conflicting desires and interests. But trust me here. It isn't the differences that threaten our relationships, it's the way we approach them that causes problems.

My husband and I corresponded by email for almost 6 weeks before we met face to face. Early on in our email correspondence we played a bar game: Mountains or ocean? Car or airplane? Horseback or bicycle? Camping or Four star hotel? I think we answered almost every question differently. But we get along pretty darn well, at least until one of us tries to aggressively, or worse, passive aggressively, convince the other person to like something we like that they don't. 

It might take a little more conscious effort, time,  compassion, acceptance, self confidence and respect. (And some well honed collaborative problem solving skills certainly won't hurt.) But the main key to accepting and respecting differences is to trust. Trust you won't be judged.  Trust you won't be rejected. Trust that it's safe to express your authentic self and your desires. And trust in your big bad self that you are willing to to stand up for your preferences in the face of a challenge.  It's beneficial to relationships for individuals to have different interests. So as long as everyone respects personal rights and boundaries in their actions and choices, we can embrace our differences and forge ahead in partnership - even if "you are a little country, and I'm a little bit rock and roll." 

And, I'll leave you with this thought and hope it sticks. The best quote I ever heard on this topic was from a classmate of mine in my first year of law school; it was regarding obscenity. He said, in his adorable, shy Southern drawl, "What some people think is obscene someone else might think is kinda nice."  The whole class erupted into laughter, but it's true. So, remember it, open your minds and show some respect.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Honesty is the best policy for a number of reasons. First, the thing about the truth is it's what's true, so you are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. Second, trust is an essential part of all enduring and worthwhile relationships. Third, it's a heck of a lot less complicated to manage the truth than it is to mange lies. 

Case in point, Hilary Clinton. Every time I hear another news story about how she is dealing with her private email fiasco, I literally groan and say, usually out loud, to myself, "what was she thinking?!!!" Does history play no part in these people's imaginations? The truth always comes out; it's just a matter of time. And the future of this particular woman's career is based on the fact that people can relate to her and trust her. Whether you want people to vote for you or you just want them to want to hang out with you, you've got to be honest. They've got to trust you. We aren't going to vote for someone we don't trust, and it's no fun hanging out with someone we don't believe. 

Lies invite suspicion and suspicion's bestie is doubt. Once someone has lied to us, which includes avoiding the truth, suspicion will spark at the slightest inconsistency. Suspicion calls up doubt and this chain reaction creates dissonance and mistrust even when there was nothing deceitful going on. Even when we lie for the most "honorable" reasons, we are stuck managing the aftermath. So stick to the truth, even if it seems inconvenient or unpopular in the moment, it will serve you in the long run. And in relationships it's the long run that matters.

Look Where You Want to Go

Eyes on the prize. In general, in most of life's situations, it is a good idea to look where you want to go and point in the aforementioned direction. I've lived in the Sawtooth mountains for the past 12 years, immersed in a community of uber athletes and outdoorsmen. And wether it is barreling down a hill on a mountain bike, riding a raft on a Class four river or carving down a steep mountain slope, the expert's advice is always the same "look where you want to go." And it's just as true when navigating through your relationships. You've got to acknowledge where it is you are and know where it is you would like to go. Then focus your attention purposefully on that goal. Assessing your options, figuring out what you really desire, and making choices and decisions will all get muddled it you are too focused on the past or the current unsatisfactory situation. To appreciate what is actually in the realm of possibility, avoid unnecessary collisions and then effectuate positive change to get there, you've got to look where you want to go. 

It's Not Disneyland

You have to take personal responsibility for your experience, choices, actions and mistakes. You've got to own your situation to be able to take control of it. You can't change your circumstance until you are willing to take responsibility for it. That does not mean casting blame upon yourself, or piling on the guilt - neither of those reactions are beneficial. It means taking 100% responsibility for the experience you are having in your personal interactions, because when you embrace your responsibility in a particular encounter you become an empowered Marvel Superhero. Your super power is owning your circumstance and hence your ability to change it.  

"You Can't Get Blood From a Stone"

You can't get blood from a stone. No, no you can't. And, what I think is much more to the point is that you are going to get incredibly frustrated and disappointed trying to do so. I think the most useful message you can get from this idiom is to remind yourself to constructively manage your expectations. Managing your expectations is one of the key principles and skills in creating satisfying and fulfilling relationships. 

If you are asking something of someone, first think a bit about who they are and your history with them. Do this prior to making a request. What are their innate tendencies? What are they good at? What do they like, and what do they detest? What comes to them naturally, and what do they tend to struggle with? Look for their strong suits, and match your particular needs and requests to their particular talents and abilities. Think about what's in their wheelhouse, not just about what you need.

Heart felt intentions don't always correlate with practicalities. Just because someone wants to help, doesn't mean they have the capacity to do so. Most people are genuine in their desire and intention to help out when they can, but when they accept a request that is a personal challenge both parties often end up feeling disappointed,

I recently asked a friend of mine for some advice in a field in which he is an expert. The astounding part was his immediate and in-depth response. I hold this friend in high regard, but he isn't always the best at responding in a timely manner or following through on requests. The light bulb went blindingly bright here. This particular request sought something from him that was clearly in his skill set. It was an area where it was easy for him to help and he felt confident in performing. So, manage your expectations by managing your requests. Think about who you are asking and what are you asking for. Ask yourself it it's a fit, and set yourself up for success and fulfillment. 

Sorry Not Sorry

Sorry, not sorry, and other iterations of "i'm sorry." Short, sweet and heartfelt is the most affective form of apology. Too often, people will try and talk the person they are apologizing to out of being upset. They will attempt to justify their prior actions, even in the midst of an "apology."  You are not truly contrite if you are justifying midstream, or you haven't come to terms with owning your actions. You can't effectively apologize when you are overly influenced by uncomfortable feelings around the mere act of apologizing, or if unhelpful feelings of guilt are getting in your way.

If you are truly sorry for something you said or did, or the fact that another person is upset or feels bad, SAY SO. If not, DON'T. But don't try to manipulate the situation into something it isn't. Don't go around saying: "You know I didn't mean to do that. You know I didn't mean to hurt you. You are too sensitive. It wasn't really my fault. Well you...blah, blah, blah." The fact is, you did whatever it is you did, and they are justifiably feeling whatever it is they may be feeling. And, it's justifiable based on the sole fact that they are feeling it. So, say you are sorry, or don't, and move on.

Cues and Clues

Interpersonal cues (body language, facial expressions, voice tone and pitch) are great indicators of what is going on during an interpersonal exchange. Think of these cues as a starting point, a spark, to assess the situation; but, don't draw an iron clad conclusion based exclusively on your individual interpretation of their meaning. A "danger zone" can develop in long term relationships where we think we know the person so well, that we can read their social cues based on past experience and cut short our communication. We stop asking, "what's going on?' because we think we know. The dialogue begins to happen more inside our heads than with the other person, and this can lead to trouble - misunderstandings and miscalculations, even with the best intentions. 

I'm not suggesting you routinely question your responses to social cues in the majority of your daily interactions, but in those situations where the speaker's words don't match the message given by their social cues, it's beneficial to stop, look, listen and ask! When what has been said is inconsistent with your interpretation of the cues, ask before you act. 

Some of us are naturally more skilled at correctly interpreting social cues, than others. However, all of us can hone our skills and elevate our social intelligence. So, use history, but don't rely on it as the sole source of information to interpret a communication. Situations change, responses change, people change, it's a dynamic process. Remember to add "maybe..." into your internal conversation. Take the conversation out of your head and include the other person in the dialogue. When there are conflicting messages being sent your way, ask for clarification. Don't just rely on your impression and assumptions. Ask the speaker for an explicit request or clarification. Ask, then act; don't react. Think of this skill as Reflective Listening for nonverbal communication. Check that the message you received was the one that the speaker was intending to deliver, and then go along on your merry way.

"Life Changing Magic"

My blog today is inspired by one of my recent, favorite books - "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese art of decluttering and organizing" by Marie Kondo. In her book, Marie Kondo illustrates the life changing magic of organizing one's home, keeping only items that illicit joy, and giving everything you choose to keep its proper place in your home. I'd like you to apply this same type of thinking to your personal relationships in the public and private sectors. When we sort out our relationships, we gain clarity about what we truly value and what brings us joy.

We can clear away the clutter of our struggles, ineffective communication and unsatisfying compromises. We can own our personal interactions and become assertive and empowered. When we do this, the drama fades away, as does the feeling of being trapped in our current situation. We become confident and courageous because we have the ability make changes and the skills to create the experiences we desire. Once you have your relationship houses in order, you will know what is truly worth "fighting" for, when it's time to walk away and what compromises you are truly happy to make.

The Power of "No."

Yesterday, on my blog, I spoke about communicating without making excuses or justifications for your decisions. I challenged you to spend some time trying to respond to requests in an authentic and honest manner. Today, I challenge you to gain a new respect for the word, "no." Say it. Mean it. And, honor it. Use it with wild abandon and see how it feels. Pay attention to how you feel when you say it and how you feel when you hear it directed at you. If it doesn't feel good to say it, dig a little deeper and ask yourself, "why?' If it doesn't feel good to hear it, notice what you do in response. 

For constructive communication, negotiation and problem solving it has to be safe for people to say "NO!" You can't have honest interactions without it. If it isn't safe to say "no" then it won't be safe to ask for anything. And, if it isn't safe to ask, we have to go about manipulating our way through to get what we want. As an example, I will often notice a parent's discomfort with responding "no" to a child's request. Instead of politely saying, "no, " they will get all flustered and begin redirect tactics. They'll start with trying to talk them out of wanting what they asked for, explaining all the reasons it isn't worth wanting, why they won't like it, or why it isn't good for them. Then, they'll move onto why they shouldn't have asked for it in the first place. If reason doesn't suffice to dissuade the request, they'll move onto guilt and shame. All of this, and its longterm negative consequences which lead to a distrust of one's desires, an unwillingness to speak up and a unreliable sense of self, can be avoided by a simple two letter word -"no."  

No Excuses

Try it for an entire day, then an entire week. No excuses! If someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, just say, "no thank you." Don't follow it up with a reason or justification, true or not. Just say, "I'd rather not," or some derivation of that. Also, don't  rescue anyone else by offering excuses or justifications for their actions or inactions. Let them own their communication and experience. Notice how it feels and where it leads. Your goal is honest, authentic communication. This is practice for dealing with what's true.

It's O.K. to be Sad

It's o.k. to be sad, even very, very sad. Sadness, like anger, is a very fine emotion. But, like anger, not all of us are comfortable feeling it or being in the immediate vicinity of someone expressing it. Sadness can be a tough emotion to feel and to express, and it can be even tougher for us to be around when someone else is in its depths. We often aren't comfortable with our own sadness, and we can find the sadness of others even more challenging. We don't know what to do with it. We don't have the skills. So, we want to make it stop. We don't like seeing people hurt, and we don't like feeling like we don't know what to do. We are a culture of doing and fixing. We don't want to just be with an emotion that makes us uncomfortable.

Sadness is the energetic expression of our internal experience of loss, hurt, or disappointment Our job is to allow an honest and complete expression of that emotion in others and ourselves. Because, emotions are our friends and fostering their full expression supports satisfying and fulfilling relationships. 

Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up with sadness and stick with them until the feelings pass. Don't try to stifle it or cut it short. As with any message,  if we don't allow the communication to be fully expressed, the message ends up getting sent in unproductive and unhealthy ways. It's a good idea to respect our experience and not try and force ourselves to do "fun" things to cheer ourselves up prematurely. (However, it is a good idea to try to support yourself by doing comforting things to ease your experience.)

Don't expect a predictable, constant trajectory of the expression of sadness. Your level of emotional intensity will ebb and flow. Don't impose a timeline upon yourself, or others, to get through the experience. "That was ages ago" or, "Aren't you over that?" are not appropriate or constructive responses. Withhold judgment: there isn't a  right way. Don't dictate parameters, instead seek a complete and authentic expression.

Own your experience and respect the unique experience of others. You don't have to understand or agree to be supportive. Don't use your sadness as a weapon, or a threat. Don't shame others into "shaping up" or try to cheer them up to ease your own discomfort with their expression of sadness.We feel and express our emotions in different ways, and that's o.k., so do your best not to impose your expectations on another when it comes to their experience of being sad..

"Beggars Can't Be Choosers"

Begging is Imploring others to grant a favor. It is not an empowered position, and making a habit of it doesn't lead to healthy, balanced, fulfilling relationships. If you believe beggars can't be choosers, don be a beggar and start choosing.

Last week, as I was on a run through an exclusive neighborhood in San Francisco, I starting playing with the possibility of doing a house swap next year. I quickly lost my confidence and resigned myself to the high probability that if we moved, we'd have to settle for a place in Noe Valley or the Avenues. The old adage, "Beggars can't be choosers" started playing in my head. a looped recording, reminding me of how things work.

Then, I thought, "hmmmm.. but I'm not a beggar, and I can choose and then go about getting what I want." And, then, I remembered I have never liked that saying, because it isn't helpful, it isn't true, and it isn't how things work. First off, begging isn't the most effective way to go about getting what you want. Second, even beggars are choosing what they beg for, so if you must be be a beggar, at the very least, be discriminating abut what you beg for and what you are willing to accept.

The most successful approach to getting what you want is to make clear, explicit choices and openly express your desires. The ability to do this starts with awareness. You must be sensitive to, and honor, what you want and be bold about choosing it. We are making choices all the time and often choosing without conscious intention.

For lots of us, and at various times, choosing can be difficult. There are lots of reasons we may not want to choose what we authentically desire. We may feel if we are vocal about what we want, we will be held accountable for the consequences upon receiving it. For instance, lets say a group of cohorts are going out to dinner, if we speak up and choose a restaurant and it ends up being terrible, we will be to blame. Or, maybe we have ignored that little voice inside that tells us what we want for so long that we literally can't hear it anymore. Often, we just don't want to rock the boat, it's just too scary or too tedious. Sometimes people believe they can't have what they seek. They don't feel they deserve it, or believe something bad will happen, that it's too much good or they shouldn't want what they want - it's unacceptable

In satisfying relationships, participants don't go about getting permission or begging. they "boldly go where no man has gone before" and acknowledge, and own, their desires. They speak up about what they want and find collaborative solutions to achieving their goals - being explicit about their desires and intentions.

 

The Grand Canyon

Sometimes when we are trying to communicate with another person it can feel like crossing the Grand Canyon. There can be a huge chasm between the message we are intending to send and the message that is actually received. We can even tell someone while delivering our intended message that we aren't criticizing them, or that we aren't trying to hurt their feelings, but they still end up hurt and feeling criticized. 

As a divorce mediator, my sole role was often that of a translator. My job was to make sure the message sent was the message received. And, for many couples, after spending years together, that was a big job. I worked with one couple that whatever the wife said, the husband heard her say that she thought he was stupid. Well, she thought a lot of things about him that weren't exactly complimentary, but I don't think she thought he was stupid. Yet, every time she made a comment, he'd stop her and say, "See, she thinks I'm stupid." He was hearing everything through a pre-conceived veil. They had spent many years trying to communicate with no real skills and no construct for resolving conflict productively. They developed poor patterns and habits of communication and fell into explicit roles in the relationship and during conflict. 

It's great to have an independent, skilled, third-party translator to ensure our successful communication. But they are rarely around when you need them. So, take matters into your own hands. Use "I" messages. Speak from your personal perspective, about your experience and your feelings. Leave "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" out of it, and replace them with "I'd like" "I want" and "I'm feeling." Become a master at reflective listening. All it takes is practice. Reflect back what you think you heard, and check in for accuracy. If you didn't get the message exactly right, give it another go round. Successful communication is a process. It proceeds best at high frequency and low magnitude.