Stop trying to control me!

"You are so bossy and controlling. Stop it!" You can yell as loud and as long as you want to, but that tactic isn't going to work. If someone is bossy and controlling they have a reason, and they aren't going to just stop. It may be a nature thing, or it may be a consequence of nurture. It could be an astrological bent. For all you know, they may have a Leo sun and Capricorn rising. Or, they could have gown up absorbing this tactic. They may have learned that the best way to go about relating to others and to get what you want is to be bossy and attempt to control. If It's their true nature you've got a couple of options: learn to live with it or move along. if you are idly waiting around hoping things will change, you are going to be waiting a very long time.  If it's an ingrained pattern, or a learned response to a particular set of circumstances, there is reasonable hope for change.

When people get bossy in response to an issue about the way they are feeling in the world or in  a particular situation, it's powerful to identify and explore the trigger.There may be something they are afraid of happening, so they want to keep in complete control to make sure it doesn't. It's also possible they are mad about past events - something you did or didn't do, so now you must... and it's coming out in bossy retribution. Taking the time to understand the motivation for bossy, controlling behavior is the first best step to dealing with it. 

The second best step is reclaiming your power. A helpful internal response to dealing with a bossy controlling being brings to my mind one of my dad's old favorite sayings, "So what chicken's butt." Just because someone is being bossy or controlling doesn't mean they have the power to boss or control you. That only happens when you give them permission to do so. You can only be bossed or controlled if you allow it, so don't allow it. Yes, it may be annoying if it's a constant behavior and you happen to be intimately connected (ie. office mate or family member) but that's the extent of it. So instead of bemoaning the other person's frustrating behavior, look at your own bad self and ask: "Why do I care?" What button is it pushing for you? Why is it getting your goat and making your blood boil? Another person can only control you and rob you of your personal power if you let them, they need your acquiescence, your permission. So, Stop. Look and Listen. Get a handle on what's really going on, have a conversation, and let it go. 

Correction disconnection

To correct or not to correct, that is the question. The answer is it depends. So, when the urge strikes you to correct someone else's behavior, Stop, Look and Listen. First off, notice your intention. Are you sincerely attempting to be supportive or are you being superior, right and proper? Next, assess the situation. Is the primary objective of the interaction served by correcting the other person in this area? And, last, pay attention to your tone.

Correcting someone can be a very supportive act that brings you a deeper connection, or it can be a sure fire way to disconnect in a matter of a split second. Choose wisely. 

My dad, whom, I loved very much, used to correct my grammar relentlessly, His intention was noble but he was not always aware of the bigger picture of the circumstance. He did not ask himself whether the primary objective of a particular interaction was best served by ensuring perfect grammar, or if something else different and more important might be going on. I remember calling him from college in tears about something that had happened at school, and mid story he interrupted to correct my grammar - boom - shut down - disconnection, and to this day that's the only part of the conversation I remember. 

Yesterday, mid conversation, a friend corrected my mispronunciation of a foreign country, it wasn't especially helpful in furthering our interaction in this particular situation - I noticed my reaction and the brief disconnection that occurred and kept going. But, if my spouse was about to give a presentation at the U.N. by all means I'd correct him, and he'd be very grateful that I did.

Today, at the gym with my workout buddy, i corrected her technique. I Stopped, Looked and Listened when the urge arrived. First off, we had an agreement to support one another's progress by making helpful corrections. Second, I was conscious of my tone. Third, I noticed her reaction prior to proceeding. And, I complimented her on an area of her technique I noticed she was doing better than I had been. We emerged more studly and more deeply connected than before.

Practice saying "No!"

Practice saying "No" and its semantically softer companions: No thank you. I'd rather not. I don't think so. Not just now. Maybe another time. I don't care for that. Thanks for asking, but I must decline. Or, flex your muscles with its semantically less friendly amigos: When hell freezes over. Maybe when pigs fly. Take a flying leap. In your dreams bucko. Not in this lifetime.

Either approach is preferable to not saying "No" when it is your true response. It is much worse to avoid, deny or manipulate the conversation and the circumstance than to speak the truth in whatever manner you feel most comfortable speaking it. 

You're Too Sensitive!

"You're too sensitive. You need to loosen up. You seem offended; you want me to leave? You acted like this yesterday, too. What's wrong with you?" I overheard  this conversation while I was seated at an outdoor cafe. The gal had walked up to a couple of gents having lunch and started in on her assessment of how she was being received. She was clearly a mutual "friend." But in my eyes, she certainly wasn't acting like a one. 

Her message: You shouldn't be who you are. You should be different. You should respond the way I want you to when I interact with you. Otherwise, something is wrong with you. 

Her conclusion: The way you are is wrong, and I don't like it! You need to change.

She ended her visit with a parting, "I love you." Smile, smile, kiss, kiss.

My response: Really? If you love him or even like him, then start acting like it. Accept him for who he is and adjust your behavior to meet him where he is. At the very least, be sensitive to the response you are eliciting and respect it.

The communication skill here is to focus on the reaction you are receiving rather than the response you think you should be getting, and then assess your own behavior. Spin it on it's tail - "Hmmm, you aren't responding the way I'd expected or hoped. I'm getting an unfavorable response to the manner in which I'm engaging with you. Stop. Look. And Listen. Think - Maybe I need to adjust my approach in communicating with you if I want a different experience instead of pounding on you and then telling you how you should respond."

Emotions Are Our Friends

We live in a culture that is all about stuffing our emotions. We deny them or plow through them as if they were something to be beaten back with a stick. Because we don't know how to deal with strong emotions comfortably, we don't like it when our or other people's emotions emerge and muck up a perfectly good personal interaction. 

I often see people trying to hold in their emotions and then jam them down as soon as they begin to peek through. They try to head them off at the pass or cast them off like a hot potato. They are afraid to acknowledge the mere existence of these feelings, let alone venture to experience them fully. Sometimes the scariest prospect would be to let these emotions flow. Some people have been damning them up for so long they are scared that if they open the flood gates they might be drowned in a rushing current of anger, sadness, shame or despair. Or, these dreaded emotions may take over their lives like an unwanted alien house guest - they may never leave and destroy the tranquility and stability of their home in the process.  

The truth is our emotions are an asset and when allowed to fully express themselves they don't like to overstay their welcome. It is safe and beneficial to fully feel and express the richness of your emotional life. The emotional world is deep and valuable. The scary part, the discomfort, comes from a lack of skills. We were born "knowing" how to experience emotions; but for most of us, that natural agility has been driven out, and we need to relearn how to positively embrace, respect and ride through our emotional experience.

The first piece, as always, is awareness - know thy self. Notice what you do when emotions rise. Notice your reactions and coping techniques. I tend to shut down. My reaction to uncomfortable emotion is like a security breach at a secret hideout.  My internal alarms start to sound, my walls come up and my window shutters come down. Troops are sent out to protect the entrance. My daughter recently commented on a shift she'd noticed in my son's response to "bad" feelings. He used to roll into what we'd lovingly refer to as, "his ball of shame." He was shut down, but owning the experience. Lately, he's been trying on a new maneuver. This new, and possibly not improved, approach is geared toward distancing himself completely from the emotional experience at play. We call this the "who, me?" angle. This tactic is aimed at shifting blame and completely denying responsibility for, and/or awareness of, any daunting emotion on the scene.

So, begin to pay attention to the tactics you use. What techniques have you adopted to deal with uncomfortable emotions? Learn how you respond when lively emotions walk into the room; and then settle back,  invite them in, offer them a warm beverage and have a chat. 

 

Don't Rub Your Eyes!!!

For those of you who aren't allergy sufferers this point won't be so dramatic, but you'll get the gist of it anyway, and that's what matters. 

So, why do we keep rubbing our eyes when it only makes us feel exponentially worse every single time? We aren't idiots. (Well, most of us aren't, most of the time.) Anyway, we aren't idiots, so why do we keep doing the same thing that reliably, every single time, without exception, causes us to feel worse and exacerbates the problem?  I've been thinking about this for the entire month of September - my allergy season. Every day, many times a day, I promise myself I won't rub my eyes again, and then moments later, I am rubbing my eyes with vigor and resolve. And... surprise, surprise, each and every time I always feel worse and mildly guilty for my lack of commitment, self restraint and good judgment, and my eyes hurt even more! 

So, what is going on in this moment of conflict? It's a battle - my wellbeing vs. my itchy eyes. I want immediate relief. I am desperate; I want this discomfort to stop. I feel vulnerable, unhappy and out of control. I feel attacked and begin to panic. I am under siege, and my hands go into rescue mode. They are only trying to help me - they are the super heroes springing into action to save the day. And the only tactic they have on hand (couldn't resist) is to rub. 

The truth is, we are always doing the best we can in the moment with the tools and options we have available to us. Self advancement and preservation are our goals, and we work with what we've got. We are practical optimists by nature.  I'm acting just as I act when I find myself in the center of a personal conflict. When I'm in an uncomfortable interpersonal exchange and feeling vulnerable, out of control and under fire, I'm going to go straight to my habitual response - which for most of us is fight or flight. We end up with the same results not because we are "crazy" and are expecting different results from the same behaviors, but because we are in survival mode and forced to utilize the only options in our reserve. We react rather that act and go with our best available defense. This is why we have the same fights, frustrating interchanges and disappointing experiences in our personal relationships. We are seeking relief and if rubbing is all we've got, we are going to rub.   It's because we are desperate for immediate relief and we don't know what else to do, that we continue to give the previously failed response a try. 

The solution is simple. We need to grow our options. We need more effective behaviors in our bag of tricks that we can pull out and try in times of distress. If instead of reacting,  we can learn to stop for a brief second and pause before taking action, assess the situation and choose with deliberation  what our best response is for dealing constructively with this particular challenge, we will be minimize conflict and maximize satisfaction.

 By understanding the why - why we are "rubbing our eyes" and what are we after, we can expand our cache of alternative, allowing us to choose wisely and achieve successful resolution. So, keep in mind there is a reason we do what we do, and that reason is an important clue to successfully changing your situation. When you take time to focus on why we are reacting in a certain way to distress, and  what result do we are ultimately seeking, we can consciously choose a behavior gives us the best odds of achieving our desired result. If I could find some potent eye drops , I'd never rub my eyes again!

Miscommunication - How to Avoid a Few Unexpected Pot Holes.

Yesterday, on NPR, David Greene and Shankar Vendantam discussed whether people are more likely to have a miscommunication with a close friend, or partner, vs. a total stranger that they have just met for the first time. The question they were playing with was whether people actually communicate better with total strangers than people they know intimately. Based on a study conducted by Kenneth Savitsky at Williams College, it turns out most people greatly over estimate the degree to which they are in sync with their cohorts. And the clincher is, this is contrary to what they expect to be true. The study's results are counter intuitive for most people. The study found that miscommunication happens at about the same rate between people who know each other and those who have just met, but the false expectation exists for friends and partners that they will be better understood by someone they know. 

That's the pot hole! We expect people close to us to understand what we are talking about; and then we get tripped up by this expectation. We get bumped off course by the incorrect assumption that we know what each other hear, think, and understand merely by the length and depth of our acquaintance.

As counter intuitive as it may appear, it actually makes a lot of sense. Not only do people take on progressively more narrowly defined relationship roles over time, they adopt habitual patterns and responses. Communication begins to suffer from poor or lazy habits. Lots of conversations become one sided, with lots of the dialog happening inside someone's head. Unspoken assumptions and hidden expectations get in the way. The communication exchange is based on a static perception of the other person and relies on historical data rather than the present circumstance. Often, the focus of attention and inquiry has shifted from the external to the internal. We are no longer painting a picture but merely referencing the model we have previously created. Over time, we also become adept at avoiding areas of conversation that have been troublesome in the past. Effective communication is hampered by an invisible veil of preconceived notions that filters.what we say, hear and assume, without us even noticing.

The good news is, avoiding these miscommunication pot holes doesn't take much effort. First, remember all of us are continually evolving - you are never dealing with a static system. Use your "i" messages and reflective listening skills. Next, make sure the message sent was the message delivered. Test your presumptions. Be aware that your relationship and each individual is in a dynamic state, so you'll need to confer and check your assumptions. Speak up. They can't read your mind. Ask and verify.Don't assume you know what they think or they know what you desire. 

for the full story visit:http://goo.gl/pIRXKj

excellent advice

A good friend of mine recently gave me some excellent relationship advice. And, yes, I need advice, too. Because, "Can't see the forest for the trees. "  I don't really like that metaphor but I couldn't think of a better one, and it gets the point across quite nicely. I may be able to see things clearly when I'm on the outside, but when I'm in the thick of it it's hard, and an outside perspective helps. Anyway, she gave me some good advice for broaching a difficult or heavily loaded topic with another person when the focus is their behavior. In a situation where the other person's behavior is creating an unpleasant/unwanted dynamic for you, you need a constructive non-confrontational approach. "I" messages are helpful, but you also want to be careful not to cast blame or accusation and unintentionally shut down the potentially productive conversation before it even gets started.

 "I notice...do you see that? And what do you think about what I'm observing?" This is a great way to open and frame a discussion in a non-combative manner to avoid a defensive response, or one where the other person feels they are being put into problem solving or fix it mode. This technique is using an "I" message in an open manner. Instead of "I want you to..." or "I don't like it when you..." It's a positive and supportive approach to begin a discussion regarding another person's situation, behavior, approach or mindset. Once the conversation gets rolling, and you reach agreement on what is going on, or have effectively shared your unique perspectives, then you can move in with what you'd like to see happen and what behaviors can be modified for that to happen.

Choices

We make choices all the time in our relationships. " Should I stay or should I go now, if I go there will be trouble. An' if I stay it will be double." (The Clash)

We choose whether to speak up or stay silent. We choose whether to be aggressive or a martyr, to be open or closed, to move toward or away, to be honest or deceptive, to be supportive or to undermine. In longterm relationships we often make silent agreements. We decide to put up with things we don't like. We decide to make allowances. We decide to settle for less than the ideal. We often make these decisions unilaterally, without discussion with the other person and often without taking ownership for the decisions ourselves. 

Based on the choices we make, unintentional patterns frequently develop, and we fall into roles and imbalance. Behavior can become overly demanding or accommodating; individuals can become overly dependent or independent.

Very often people end up fed up. They reach a breaking point and seemingly the relationship ends abruptly. Parties leave the relationship feeling resentful and cheated. Each person feels they were a victim to circumstance and the other party's insensitivity or unwillingness to change. Here is the thing. You are always making choices, so learn to make conscious ones. Assess the situation and choose with awareness from the options at hand.

There are typically three basic alternatives to choose from: 1. Put up and shut up - You accept that this is the way it is, and the good stuff is worth staying for. You decide the situation isn't going to change; you realize that, accept it and choose to go forward without seeking change. 2. Speak up and hope for the best - You are determined to stay regardless of the other party's willingness or unwillingness to change, but you are going to do your best to make improvements and give it your best shot.  3. Realize good enough isn't enough - You know full well you risk losing the relationship entirely because the other person may choose not to change, but the current situation is not satisfying enough to keep you committed. You'll work toward change, but if things don't improve, you are out of there. If the relationship proves untenable you will end it.

It is up to you.  We are always making choices. And we always have choices to make. The good news is the choice is always yours to make.  So start being aware of what you are choosing and take responsibility for those choices. Personal power lives here - not power over the other person, but power to choose your path.

Shame

Today, I was going to write about not being a jerk, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. Because today I'm going to write about shame. Today, shame is my adversary. I'm not a violent person; but today, I want to get out a baseball bat and beat shame straight to hell. 

Shame is insidious, incestuous and relentless. Shame has no shame!

My compassionate and brilliant son was in tears this morning because his hand writing isn't good enough. He can't remember the "right" way to make a cursive p - where does the tail go, above or below the line? And, he can't remember how to do long division. - It's been a long summer, and we didn't practice math. He "knows" he can't write. He "knows" he's not good at math. He wonders why they have to keep telling him? Why do they have to keep pointing it out? He tells me he got the message loud and clear the first time, and he knows he is no good. He "knows" he "should" know how to do these things. He knows he is not good enough -- He knows shame. He and shame have an intimate relationship, and it breaks my heart to witness this inherently destructive union.

Brene Brown, Ph,d., LMSW, tells us this about shame: "Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That's why it loves perfectionists--it's so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we've basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. " From Brene Brown's bestselling book, "Daring Greatly." 

So, I'll trade in my baseball bat for a flash light and shine it right on that darn shame until it withers into dust, and then I'll blow it away in a single puff.

Being Present

Today, i want you to practice being present. It's an essential skill to master on your way to experiencing satisfying and thriving relationships.  It's a critical tool to own, so you are able to accurately assess what is going on and what you want in varying situations. 

In the '70's, the act of being fully present in the moment was coined, "Be Here Now." And now, it's referred to as, "Mindfulness." Whatever you like to call it, the intention and the end goal are the same. Learn how to be fully present in the moment with a keen awareness of your internal and external experience.

On a recent trip to San Francisco, my daughter and I had gotten up at dawn. Tired and hungry, we arrived into town and headed straight to the ocean and food. We settled in at the warming hut in the marina for a hot drink and a snack. My daughter soon stretched out like a cat in the sun, lounging on a  warmed concrete bench. After a few minutes soaking up the sun and the sea air, she said, "I'm going to lie here until it doesn't feel good anymore, and then i'm going to get up. I'm going to spend my whole day like that. I'm going to do a thing until it no longer feels good, and then, and only then, I'll move on to something else, but not before."

And That's how I want you to spend your day! Pay attention to what you are doing in the moment and how it feels. If it feels good, stick with it,  and if and when it doesn't,  move on. Practice being present and let your feelings be your guide as to what's next.

Post Script: If you don't have the luxury of being the master of your universe at every juncture of your day - focus on what you are doing and notice how you feel in the moment (Then, imagine what you'd like to be doing instead.) The key is to become aware of your surroundings, the interchanges and your visceral experience. Pay attention and be cognizant. 

I get riled up!

Collaborative problem solving -where the goal is to reach a win solution for all the parties involved - is a process, and the process contains a number of stages. For me, the first stage is getting all riled up. I get righteous. I blame. I take a position and start vehemently arguing my side. I'm good at that; I'm an attorney. I'm also a product of the '60s and '70s; nothing gets me on my heels faster than an obvious injustice; show me a social injustice and I'm on fire. I rant. I get up on my soap box, and I get mad.

But I don't let this stop me. I know this about myself and I recognize my patterns. Once I get riled up, I tend to focus on what was done wrong in the situation and who did what to whom. After I get that out of my system, I settle down. It's helpful for me to talk to someone who sees the opposite side of the issue. Personally, I'm not wedded to being right, I just tend to get indignant at the start. I need to express myself and get it out of my system. Once I'v done that, i calm down and am able to appreciate the other side of the story. Then, I can get clear on what is actually going on, and what I want to see as a resolution. I've cleared away the noise and fog; now I can identify my values and objectives for resolution. The next step for me is to begin constructive problem solving. I voice my concerns in a way that can be heard and drive toward a solution that rectifies the "wrong" and satisfies everyone's interests involved in the conflict.

Constructive problem solving can't begin until you get through the emotion. Be it a contentious divorce or any other highly emotionally charged issue. So let it flow. Express yourself (in the most respectful manner possible) and get down to finding mutually satisfying solutions. I heard a quote from singer, Judy Collins that pretty much sums it up, "You won't get out of it until you go through it." 

So practice being aware and attuned to the dynamics at hand. Deepen your knowledge of  yourself and those with whom you deal on a regular basis. Maybe you/they flare up at first or maybe you tend to go silent for a time. Begin to understand the process and the stages that you go through before you get to a potentially constructive and collaborative place. Give yourself and others the freedom and permission to move through the emotions and reach a space where constructive problem solving can begin. 

"I don't, so neither should you!"

"I don't, so neither should you!" is a constant and reliable companion to  "I did, so you should, too." I personally like to counter this opinion with: "You're not the boss of me!"  Or, if I'm feeling defiant, "I'll damn well do as I please!" And, if I'm in a superior mood,  "If you don't think it's right, then don't do it."

Today, I'd like to label this "I'm the boss of everyone" behavior the "Kim Davis Syndrome." I hate to even mention her name, because I increasingly don't care a pittance what she thinks about anything, especially what she thinks I and other people ought and ought not to do. But, her behavior so perfectly illustrates such an important relationship point, it's just too great an opportunity to miss.

First off,  she is clearly not the boss of me, so it doesn't really matter what she thinks. Second, we live in a democracy, which I am extremely grateful for because I have a lot to say. Therefore, I'm in full support of Ms. Davis exercising her right to freedom of speech . She is welcome by me to speak out to her hearts content. However, she is not, nor ever was, the boss of who gets to get married. She is the boss of people whose job it is to provide marriage licenses based on the dictates of the law  - not their personal opinions or whimsy.

And while we are on the subject of Constitutional Rights,  if Kim were being forced to stay at a job that required her to perform acts incongruous with her religious beliefs, then she would have a justified complaint regarding the  'corrupt tyranny of our horrendous democratic system.' But that is not the case. In fact, it is the system that she berates that affords her the protection of religious freedom to freely honor her religious beliefs and choose a job that is in complete alignment with those beliefs (which I for one hope she does very soon.)  Her current post is clearly no longer a job that is in sync with her beliefs - and that's a matter of life, not church or state.

What Kim doesn't have a right to is a particular job - she can't reasonably be a ditch digger and say she doesn't want to dig ditches or doesn't want to dig them on the north side of the highway and expect to retain the position. Ditch diggers need to dig. Jobs change and she is free to change jobs.  There is no constitutional right at issue here regarding her religious freedom. She can practice as she chooses and choose a job in alignment with her practice, which this job clearly no longer is. Things change. There is no constitutional  right protecting us against that. Thank God! 

Freedom of choice is what people on all sides of this conflict are debating, freedom of choice in religion and most everything else. This underlies what Kim is "standing" for and what gay marriage rights seek to protect. And freedom of choice is what sits as the cornerstone of successful relationships. We must be free in our relationships to be true to our authentic selves and take actions in alignment with who we are and what we desire. The single and crucial caveat at play is the ability to respect the personal boundaries of those we engage with in the process. Respecting their boundaries doesn't mean respecting their sensibilities. It means not forcibly restricting or forcing their actions. Think kindergarten - Get your work done and keep your hands to yourself. ...The tricky part can be exercising your rights while not impinging on the rights of others.

Whether in relationship with an intimate or your fellow countrymen/women ...Just because you don't want to do it and don't think I should and don't want them to, doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't. 

Gay marriage is an act of love, economics and validity. If you find yourself threatened by other people's choices, start paying attention to what it is you fear. Because where there is judgment and condemnation there is fear. When you find another's actions contrary and objectionable, it's because those actions either undermine your confidence in your personal choice or make you feel vulnerable regarding the likelihood of getting what you desire.

We are blessed to live in a free country. Our freedom in this country, and in our personal relationships, is anchored in our rights to free speech and freedom of association. If you don't think it's a good idea, politely decline to participate.. If gay marriage isn't your thing, don't walk down the aisle.

 

 

"I did, so you should, too!"

The other day, as I stood in line at the local coffee shop, I was gently accosted by a well caffeinated, well intentioned acquaintance. She was selling raffle tickets and was eager for us all (everyone in line) to buy them. She excitedly explained that she had donated, so she figured everyone else should, too. She even said, "I donated, so everyone else should, too. Right?" It was obviously meant as a rhetorical question, based on the idea that there exists a universal law as to  who should do what and when. She clearly had her justification for pushing these tickets set clearly in her mind: "I'm going to aggressively sell these tickets because I bought one, and therefore everyone else should buy one, too. It's the right thing to do, and I've done it, so you should do it, as well."  Of course! 

I'm all for selling raffle tickets. I'm even o.k. with the hard sell. I'm fine with asking anyone who will stop and listen if they want to buy one. It's the "You should buy one!" part that I find irksome and troublesome.  

There is no logical reason to think that i, a distinct, unique individual, should do anything merely because You, a different distinct unique individual, chose to do so. 

This is a faulty presumption based on faulty logic, and it's dangerous. I'm all for asking; it's the "shoulds" that gets us into trouble. "I did... so, they should." Whether it's with coworkers, friends, strangers or family, it is an inappropriate assumption. 

People tend to be even more indignant with their "you should, too (s)" if the subject matter at hand is something they themselves didn't really want to do in the first place, but only did because they thought it was the "right" thing to do  - something they should do based on internal or external pressure. In that situation, one tends to be even more dogmatic in their thinking that everyone else should darn well suck it up and do the thing they did.

It's fine to sing the praises of your choices and actions, to point out all the upsides of doing whatever you did and what you now want the other person/people to do. It's o.k. to unobtrusively argue your case, to persuade, to give it your best shot; but leave it at that. Don't be obnoxious and don't bully or continue selling your position when the other person has made it crystal clear they aren't interested and they don't share your proclivities, tastes or perspective on the wonderfulness of what ever it is  you are pitching. Whether you are selling raffle tickets, taking the dog for a walk, doing the dishes, volunteering for a charity, staying late at the office, recycling, voting, getting an annual check up, exercising, having kids, eating meat or not eating meat, doing laundry, giving up your vacation to meet a deadline at work or abstaining from wheat, sugar and alcohol - you choosing to do it doesn't justify your conviction that others should follow. 

There are likely lots of great reasons for why it might be compelling or a good idea to do any of the above mention things, but "you should because I did" isn't one of them.  

The Human Binary System

Pay attention to the zeros and ones in your personal interactions. We are all a bunch of ones and zeroes - on/off, open/closed, connection/disconnection. And our behavior can foster either reaction from those we are in relationship with. So start noticing your's and other's reactions during your daily interchanges. What turns people on and what turns them off?  As Brene Brown so rightly reminds us, "We are hardwired for connection." So pay attention! Pick up on subtle, or not so subtle,  shifts in tone, body language and facial expressions. Really listen to what's being said.Register the response you are receiving prior to continuing an action and react according to the message your are being sent. One of the best ways to get desired results from your interpersonal exchanges is to think: connection? disconnection? And notice what causes what.

"Good Luck with That!"

My son and I were having lunch at a local cafe and overheard a very thought provoking conversation. We admit it, we were eavesdropping. Unbeknownst to the other, we had both been trying really hard not to listen, but we found ourselves unintentional partners in duplicity. We later agreed, short of sticking our fingers in our ears, it was impossible to avoid, and fingers in our ears seemed way more rude than inadvertent listening. 

Anyway, the couple was having an intense "couple" conversation. The gal started off by saying she'd like her partner to do everything she wanted him to do, and she'd like him to do it exactly the way, and when, she wanted it done. (Bully for her!) And she thought it best if she didn't have to ask him to do anything. (What?) Lucky for us, she continued to thoughtfully explain her position. Her reasoning was that people are happier to do things for other people when they haven't been asked and just do it on their own accord. (Hmmmm!)

Up to this point, my son and I had both been doing our best to act nonchalant and enjoy each other's company. But who were we kidding, we were mesmerized by their discussion. At this point, my son, astounded by her presumption,  stopped mid bite,  looked at me, raised his eyebrow and said, "Yeah, good luck with that!" He nailed it. 

First off, it's perfectly reasonable to want people to do everything we want them to do. However, we also may want to set realistic expectations around getting that and be sure not to replace our want with a should. It is not true that people should do everything we want them to, nor is it all that likely. And that's just fine. Our getting what we want isn't dependent upon a particular person giving it to us. 

Second, it's equally reasonable and admirably optimistic to want people to carry out our wishes exactly the way we desire. And we enhance our chances for getting that by expressing our specific wishes and explicitly describing the desired results. We also may want to choose between having it done "our way" and having it done by someone else. 

The last part of her plan is where the train is going to fall off the tracks. With this approach, she is setting herself and her partner up for frustration and disappointment. Unless one is a master at mind control like Obi Wan Kenobi,  "These aren't the droids you are looking for." or in a relationship with a mind reader, everyone is going to have to explicitly ask for what they want from another individual.

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Don't believe everything you think, and absolutely don't believe everything other people think. What is true for someone else may or may not be true for you. There are vey few shared universal truths. And enjoying fulfilling personal relationships is NOT dependent on having an identical world view. What is true today may or may not be true tomorrow. The world is in a continuous state of flux. And if we use science as our guide, what we thought to be fact very often turns out to have never been true at all. (Check out the film "What the Bleep Do We Know" for some great eye opening examples of what we know and what we think we know.)

The relationship skill to acquire is to insert "maybe" into your internal dialogue. Maybe you know why that jerk did such and such. Maybe you know why your friend is so upset. Maybe you know what's best for everyone involved. Maybe you know why your coworker is being so contrary, and maybe you know what the only solution is to a current struggle you are dealing with.

Practice remaining open a little longer than is typically comfortable. Practice trying to see the opposite perspective from the one you hold. Don't jump to premature conclusions. Play the "What If I've Got It All Wrong?" game and practice active inquiry in your communications. Take a good long look at cause and effect.

As I left the dentist's office the other day, I remembered the value of "maybe." I'd had my teeth cleaned and the hygienist was lecturing me about the extreme deleterious affects of my slip shod attention to my nightly flossing. Maybe she is right. Maybe my gums were bleeding because I'm not a skilled flosser, or maybe they were bleeding because I have a sensitive mouth, and she was jabbing me with a very sharp instrument. Maybe the "infection" is going to travel through my blood stream and damage my liver and kidneys, or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe my mouth is sensitive because I worry and experience existential terror that causes my pericardium not to operate in its ideal fluttering manner which sends mixed signals to my liver and kidneys that stresses my digestive and endocrine systems releasing stress hormones into my body, affecting the sensitivity of my gums....I'm just sayin' "maybe."

An Affair to Remember

My husband and I were recently talking about the Ashley Madison website. We were talking about the enormity of it all. What does it say about marriage, fidelity, relationships and website marketing (My husband runs an internet business.)

What are so many married people looking for? And what are they desperate to escape?

The old movie, "An Affair to Remember" is considered one of the most romantic movies of all times. It's about a couple who spark a romance aboard a cross Atlantic cruise ship. They are both engaged to other people but decide to reunite at the top of the Empire State building in six months. The movie tells you a lot about our culture's ideas regarding romance. The story is based on miscommunication, self-sacrifice, deceit, unavailability, and secrecy.  

The popular play and movie, "Same Time Next Year" portrays the story of a couple who have a brief affair and decide to continue it indefinitely, meeting once a year. They enjoy an unburdened intimacy and relative anonymity they lack in their married lives. 

I'm not saying Ben Affleck did or didn't, but I will say many couples are desperate for happier times and don't know how to achieve or retrieve them in their current relationships. For argument sake, let's say you are pondering the idea of having an affair. My question for you is, "Why?" Yep, my question is why? Think about the reasons the notion of an affair is appealing. What is it you are after? What do you want to get from it? What do you want to experience? What do you want to feel? What do you want to avoid? What is it you are missing in your current relationship? What is it you are experiencing in your current relationship that you want to escape? What have you lost (or never had) that you desire?

Sometimes the very things that initially drew us to a partnership are the very things that end up driving us away. If you are willing to peel away the layers to understand what it is you are actually seeking and what's in your way of getting it, odds are you can find what you are looking for right where you are.

P.S. If you come to the determination that happiness is impossible to achieve in your current relationship, be honest. Honorably end it and move on. Respect yourself, the relationship, your commitment and your partner.